MAFS - Season 4 - Derek Schwartz - Heather Seidel

I don't like either of these two really. Derek is clearly addicted if he's willing to smoke pot (considering it's illegal where they're from) in front of his new stranger wife every day and risk it being brought up on camera. If he could just as well go without then he probably would. I know people "let loose" on vacation, but this is not a normal vacation, he's with a stranger he's trying to impress 24/7 as well as a camera crew. The fact that he sees it as an opportunity to be high all day every day would be a huge concern for me as well.

However, I don't like Heather's way of dealing with it. Seems like she was just stewing in silence for 5 days and then all of a sudden bit his head off. That's not very constructive and immediately made him defensive. Her way of talking is also pretty condescending and I don't blame Derek saying she's on her high horse. If she's really drinking alcoholic drinks all day long then I don't think she has as much leverage as she thinks. I wouldn't want to be around someone who does that any more than I'd want to be around a pothead. I'd understand her reaction more if she was a teetotal herself. And didn't Dr Pepper say she had indicated she was okay with occasional smoking? I doubt she meant cigarette smoking, since I'm sure Dr Pepper is aware of what is actually being discussed. If she really did say she was fine with occasional use and is now freaking out about him smoking every day on vacation then I have even less sympathy for her. No, the show shouldn't cast addicts of any kind as far as I'm concerned, but if this is Heather's way of bringing up issues then I can see why she's single. It's not even just about the smoking, she was picking on his "messiness" as well. Most people don't spend their vacation cleaning their own hotel room, so it just came across really neurotic.

I thought Heather handled everything fairly well for the most part. I'm with her, pot smoking (which I think she was referring to) daily after just meeting - done deal for me. (For me, even cigarette smoking pretty close to done deal.) No judgement on the person, but just not something I would want to be around all the time. Strong personal preference.

I guess she should have been asked that more clearly or answered more clearly in the application process that it really would be a no go for her. But to me it would be and clearly it is to her. I'd have a really hard time faking it for 6 more weeks with all the stuff they have to go through if I knew there was not way I could keep an open mind to the person due to a total deal breaker like that. JMO.

relaxing wrote:I thought Heather handled everything fairly well for the most part.  I'm with her, pot smoking (which I think she was referring to) daily after just meeting - done deal for me.  (For me, even cigarette smoking pretty close to done deal.) No judgement on the person, but just not something I would want to be around all the time. Strong personal preference.  

I guess she should have been asked that more clearly or answered more clearly in the application process that it really would be a no go for her.  But to me it would be and clearly it is to her.  I'd have a really hard time faking it for 6 more weeks with all the stuff they have to go through if I knew there was not way I could keep an open mind to the person due to a total deal breaker like that.  JMO.

IMO, the bottom line is that if Heather was so against Derek's smoking weed, she should have told him NO when he asked her if smoking weed was okay with her. That's one of the problems that I have with Heather. The other problem I have with Heather is that she looks for things about Derek to complain about. So is she looking for Mr. Perfect??? Or, is she looking for a way out because she's afraid of being emotionally commited to Derek??? It's pretty clear that she's not looking at Derek as possibly being Mr. Perfect for her.

I think she just wanted to bail. She was not digging him since day one. she said it, I would not have given him a second date but i am married to him.

Yeah, I agree she didn't handle it perfectly. But I haven't found her to be mean or unlikable like several past cast members, just a more serious type of person trying to figure out how to handle a situation she doesn't know what to do with. At least she tried to talk about it and communicate. She's clearly not open to this working, I def agree. But I don't necessarily blame her for feeling that way. JMO.

I don't think they should have matched him at all if this is true. It would be a deal breaker for a lot of people plus there are enough problems marrying a stranger without throwing pot into the mix imo.

They clearly have very differect opinions on pot and while it is starting to be legalized in some areas, it certainly isn't every where. He must have brought the pot with him and isn't that illegal in Florida?

I also think a truly occasional pot user would abstain if his new wife was a non smoker and not get high alone(!) to start day. I would view occasional pot smoking, if not for medicinal reasons, as something done 3-4 times a year in a social setting with others.

That said, I do think she decided early on that she is just not into him and closed herself off to giving him a chance.

Tough deal!

I agree totally about Derek being pretty addicted to pot if he can't hold off on smoking it every day during the honeymoon. He's on camera pretty much all the time... so why take the chance of doing something illegal on vacation. It's illegal in Florida and Puerto Rico. If I were Heather I probably would have acted the same way. It really seems to put her in a very uncomfortable situation to have to ask him not to do it all the time. Besides, I sure wouldn't want to share my experience with someone who is high all the time. I noticed it before anything came out about it because of his eyes and laughing at nothing. She obviously took her commitment to the show seriously, so I believe she is really trying hard to make it work. Gosh, I sure wish the Professionals had either known about Derek's pot problem in advance or set her up with someone who wasn't such an idiot.

^^^Seriously, I forgot about cameras. I would be uptight too. Why risk it?! I wonder if this has caused issues with his work?

Well, it wouldn't be MAFS if one of the cast members wasn't involved in illegal activity, right!?

Hi all, new poster here. I accidentally discovered MAFS early in Season 2, and late in Season 2 while googling for info I found this place, and have lurked ever since. Guess I'm a significant minority around here in being a married guy in his mid-40's (hence the username), but I guess that gives me a unique perspective.

I'm chiming in now because I would like to give some opinions on this Heather/Derek issue.

No high horse or anything, but I am a seemingly rare person who despises smoking, especially pot. My wife smokes it occasionally, and she knows my feelings on it, and to be fair, it's only been the last few years she has experimented with it (we've been together 22 years). If she had been a user when we first met, I would not have continued to date her, so I understand 100% what Heather is feeling. It's a deal breaker, bottom line. Perhaps if she knew him first, she might be able to accept it to some degree, but the amount it appears to be in such a short time? Nope - I'd check out too. The 6 week experiment would be a chore to suffer through, nothing more.

The gambling is an issue I can somewhat see, but she'd have to see him in action to see if it's one that can be overcome. Some people go once a year, and spend under $100, and that's something I'd compromise on. Weekly, or more often, and more money involved? Probably a deal breaker too.

The neatness issue seems somewhat picky, although if she wasn't attracted before the honeymoon, and then the pot issue has become a focus, I can understand how the little things will now seem bigger in comparison.

I do think she hasn't handled things well. These are significant issues for her and should have been addressed earlier, but overall, I side with her on this.

His reaction to her was WAY over the top, and indicative of a person on weed too. My brother-in-law had to stay with us a couple of summers ago, and he's a major user. I've seen "pothead" behavior in many people I've worked with or otherwise known over the years, but living with it confirmed it. When confronted about the addiction, there's anger, redirection of blame, sketchy justifications, and trying to turn it around against the accuser. In short, a total unwillingness to accept responsibility. Look at Derek. He stormed off in anger more than once, said his smoking was less a problem than her drinking, passed it off as "it's my vacation, I don't do this at home", and then got nasty with personal shots at her never going to find a partner. I don't recall once him saying maybe it was a mistake to light up every morning after he found out how strong her feelings were against it.

Final point on the drinking. I see she may have an alcohol issue of her own, but a couple of points to make. One, I didn't get the impression she was drinking until the vacation, and then not until the day had started, as opposed to every day with him, right from when he wakes up. Two, assuming most vacation spots are like Cuba, where my honeymoon was, the alcohol is seriously diluted. We drank all day long, and barely ever got past a slight buzz. His expressions alone show he is more than "slightly buzzed". Three, there is an issue with legality. Weed is illegal, alcohol isn't. End of story.

Anyway, that's it for me. Sorry for such a long post on my first one here.

MAFSMinority wrote:
His reaction to her was WAY over the top, and indicative of a person on weed too.  My brother-in-law had to stay with us a couple of summers ago, and he's a major user.  I've seen "pothead" behavior in many people I've worked with or otherwise known over the years, but living with it confirmed it.  When confronted about the addiction, there's anger, redirection of blame, sketchy justifications, and trying to turn it around against the accuser.  In short, a total unwillingness to accept responsibility.  Look at Derek.  He stormed off in anger more than once, said his smoking was less a problem than her drinking, passed it off as "it's my vacation, I don't do this at home", and then got nasty with personal shots at her never going to find a partner.  I don't recall once him saying maybe it was a mistake to light up every morning after he found out how strong her feelings were against it.
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FANTASTIC post, MAFSMinority!! I found especially the above a very enlightening perspective.

Their fighting was all SO unnecessary. Be rational and use common sense! Don't escalate the problem. You say you have a problem with the drinking, and you say you have a problem with smoking pot. We both, however, state we want to make this marriage work. Temporarily, at least then, for the sake of our new marriage and wanting to please the other and not "take me as I am or else," let's agree to completely abstain from alcohol and any smoking until we are on better understanding with each other.  At LEAST, call up the experts who are available to them at any time during this whole time and get some quick counseling for this.

Again, welcome, MAFSMinority!!  And never apologize for a long post . . . We LIKE those!

So it looks like Derek and Heather were the replacement couple for the couple who backed out. The other couples were married early April and they were married at the end of the month. Guess the "experts" threw them together last minute.