Becca Tilley - Bachelor 19 - Discussion - #8

For the most part, however, these are things that do not need to be discussed. Seriously. It's a matter of what you choose to disclose and how much of it you to disclose.

BKay wrote:Imo the widows had fall-out not because they were widowed but because they showed themselves to be seeking attention and sympathy, and were unwise in the way / timing of how they shared their info. As mentioned, those were probably dictated by tptb, but still showed a lack of class.

I'm still not clear why being a virgin should be considered by the lead as a negative, unless some are assuming Chris only wanted sex in the fs. I hope he was actually wanting to get to know these women. He seems a step above a Blob. Sure, his experience level and Becca's were at different places, but in real life that isn't unusual.

I don't get it either that some people view virginity as a negative.

Kashathediva wrote:For the most part, however, these are things that do not need to be discussed. Seriously. It's a matter of what you choose to disclose and how much of it you to disclose.

Many times I cringe at what and how things are shared on this show. I understand wanting to talk about yourself and your life. I understand the desire to be honest and open. I don't understand coming onto this show and acting like a fool or getting sloppy drunk or unloading a trunk load of personal trauma or past baggage to someone you barely know (lead or other contestants) while being filmed knowing that the whole things is going to be highly edited for drama's sake. I think it must be part of the psychological phenomena that occurs when you are locked into a mansion with strangers and cut off from the real world.

IDK. I'm a talker. I like to share my thoughts, as most of you can attest to. Yet, I wonder if I were a contestant on this show how much I'd be willing to open up and share in front of the cameras. I'd probably be an outcast in the house, because being around 15 other women like that would probably drive me insane.

On Survivor, the contestants often hold back personal info for strategic reasons (professions, wealth, skeletons, etc).  But Survivor is a game played for money, and the winning doesn't involve a relationship that continues on after the ending of the show. In fact, on Survivor we sometimes see people whose concern for their new budding friendships influences them to share more personal info with others, and sometimes they divulge things to people who betray their trust or judge them for it.

Judgment is a really interesting thing. We all do it. One can never be 100% certain of how somebody else is going to receive the information. Will they sympathize or be turned off? Sometimes it's not so much what is shared but how it's shared. Or when it is shared. And on the Bachelor, the how and when are almost always inappropriate as opposed to real life.

ETA: I never cringed at anything Becca said. I was thinking of others when I wrote the post ^ above. Becca did a fantastic job of staying true to herself throughout the process, and I think that her virginity is just one aspect of herself, and she didn't seem obsessed with it like Ashley I appeared to be. Ashley I...

IIRC, Becca's disclosure came in the midst of Ashley I having "a moment" with the other girls about her virginity. Ashley was so focused on this and making a bigger deal out of it than necessary. Perhaps I'm naive in this, but I think Becca spoke up about it because it fit in the context of the conversation...not because she had TPTB's permission.

My guess is that being a virgin is not something that Becca is ashamed about, but rather a decision made from her faith and her value of the marriage relationship. In some ways, if Becca had stayed silent at that point, I think it would be easy to perceive that she was ashamed of her status. My guess is that this is a conversation she's had before with other women...so not all that odd or uncomfortable in that context. However, having that conversation with a guy takes it to another level...especially when this is only the fourth real date with a guy who you are "falling for" and are "crazy about."

whit90 wrote:

cindebugg wrote:

chasingpavements wrote:

Yeah, but this isn't real life. Most past contestants have said that the main point of the FS date is to talk without cameras. Many have said it was at that point where no one was acting for the cameras that they realized how horrible they were for each other (Sean/Ashlee, Jason/Deanna, etc) Lots of contestants have refused sex at the FS. Krisily said that she made it very clear that she wasn't going to have sex with a guy who was dating 2 other women, but refusing time wo/ cameras is plain stupid. And, honestly, calling someone a tease for not having sex on their 3rd date seems crazy sexist to me. No one called Sean Lowe a tease.

I'm sure that she was pressured to tell chris on-camera since it was their storyline for her. I'm sure she would have preferred to tell him off-camera, but being manipulated by producers to do something does not make one not staying true to oneself.

You're right it's not real life.  It's set up for the lead to fall in love with more than one person.  I know people come out of the FS and say the PC thing but we know for a fact that  a lot of leads sleep with multiple people in the FS. Heck, Ben and JPG didn't even wait for the FSD.  I think the smartest thing would be not to have sex until the show is over but I don't think the majority of people who are cast have a problem with it.  They're young, they think they're in love., the libido is raging and the alcohol flowing.  It's a recipe for sex.

Of course she was pressured to tell him on camera.  If she preferred to tell him off camera she should've never been on the show in the first place.  That's just being naive.   The bottom line is she had ample opportunity to tell him.  The night that she wouldn't kiss him would have been a good time to get it out there.  Or on their first date. Or the date after that. Or Hometowns.  Whatever happened in the FS with them didn't leave them feeling good.  Maybe Chris was perturbed she didn't offer up that info a little sooner.  I'm not saying he would have sent her home any earlier but at least he could have made his choices based on the truth.

She might of told him before that we will never know.  It is her right to tell him when she felt comfortable about it. In my mind it would not of been a big deal to him because he was crazy about her. She has never not told the truth she is the most honest contestant that this show has ever had. If it was not for Becca this show would of tanked . She brought something new and refreshing to this show. What happened in the FS was getting to know each other and he respected who she was. That night was probably when she told him that she still was not ready to move or say ILY after dating him a total of 3 days. To me that sounds like a very mature woman that stood by her beliefs.
As far as Juan he did not have sex with Claire in the ocean she has stated that as a fact.

As per the bold. imo that depends on the guy .Some guys may not favor a virgin, (for many reasons,) while others would cherish it. IMO A guy who has strong religious and old school beliefs ( and not to mention alot of self restraint especially where a hot gorgeous girl is concerned) might respect it more then most guys, especially in this day and age where sex is so much more exploited then it was years ago. just saying ! jmho

Pia1 wrote:

BKay wrote:Imo the widows had fall-out not because they were widowed but because they showed themselves to be seeking attention and sympathy, and were unwise in the way / timing of how they shared their info. As mentioned, those were probably dictated by tptb, but still showed a lack of class.

I'm still not clear why being a virgin should be considered by the lead as a negative, unless some are assuming Chris only wanted sex in the fs. I hope he was actually wanting to get to know these women. He seems a step above a Blob. Sure, his experience level and Becca's were at different places, but in real life that isn't unusual.

I don't get it either that some people view virginity as a negative.

I think the question becomes why someone is still a virgin. Values v. lack of interest. The later is going to be a negative. With the former, what someone is going to want is to get are clues as to what things will be like once married.

dw_a_mom wrote:

Pia1 wrote:

BKay wrote:Imo the widows had fall-out not because they were widowed but because they showed themselves to be seeking attention and sympathy, and were unwise in the way / timing of how they shared their info. As mentioned, those were probably dictated by tptb, but still showed a lack of class.

I'm still not clear why being a virgin should be considered by the lead as a negative, unless some are assuming Chris only wanted sex in the fs. I hope he was actually wanting to get to know these women. He seems a step above a Blob. Sure, his experience level and Becca's were at different places, but in real life that isn't unusual.

I don't get it either that some people view virginity as a negative.

I think the question becomes why someone is still a virgin. Values v. lack of interest. The later is going to be a negative. With the former, what someone is going to want is to get are clues as to what things will be like once married.

In her case it's not for lack of interest as she has stated that she's waiting till marriage. I've never heard of anyone staying a virgin because of lack of interest. It's mostly because they have good moral values and waiting for marriage. imo.

dw_a_mom wrote:

Pia1 wrote:

BKay wrote:Imo the widows had fall-out not because they were widowed but because they showed themselves to be seeking attention and sympathy, and were unwise in the way / timing of how they shared their info. As mentioned, those were probably dictated by tptb, but still showed a lack of class.

I'm still not clear why being a virgin should be considered by the lead as a negative, unless some are assuming Chris only wanted sex in the fs. I hope he was actually wanting to get to know these women. He seems a step above a Blob. Sure, his experience level and Becca's were at different places, but in real life that isn't unusual.

I don't get it either that some people view virginity as a negative.

I think the question becomes why someone is still a virgin. Values v. lack of interest. The later is going to be a negative. With the former, what someone is going to want is to get are clues as to what things will be like once married.

Nicely said dw, I agree with your analysis. For some men lack of sex and experience in relationships overall can very much be a negative. :Nod:

Pia1 wrote:

dw_a_mom wrote:

Pia1 wrote:

I don't get it either that some people view virginity as a negative.

I think the question becomes why someone is still a virgin. Values v. lack of interest. The later is going to be a negative. With the former, what someone is going to want is to get are clues as to what things will be like once married.

In her case it's not for lack of interest as she has stated that she's waiting till marriage. I've never heard of anyone staying a virgin because of lack of interest. It's mostly because they have good moral values and waiting for marriage. imo.

I would agree that a complete lack of interest in sex (which I would read as being asexual) is pretty rare. I think the two main reasons someone would be still be a virgin in mid/late-20s is either waiting for marriage OR, like in Ashley's case, simply waiting for love and/or the right person. I do think that the majority of 33-year-old men in the US probably don't want to date a virgin, since sex is usually such an integral part of a relationship for most men. That said, I think that love can make people make sacrifices that they normally wouldn't. I'm pretty sure that Catherine was sexually active with the boyfriend she was dating right before the show, but she made the decision to abstain because Sean was worth it. I would hope that Chris would have done the same, if he and Becca had fallen in love with each other.

chasingpavements wrote:

Pia1 wrote:

dw_a_mom wrote:

I think the question becomes why someone is still a virgin. Values v. lack of interest. The later is going to be a negative. With the former, what someone is going to want is to get are clues as to what things will be like once married.

In her case it's not for lack of interest as she has stated that she's waiting till marriage. I've never heard of anyone staying a virgin because of lack of interest. It's mostly because they have good moral values and waiting for marriage. imo.

I would agree that a complete lack of interest in sex (which I would read as being asexual) is pretty rare. I think the two main reasons someone would be still be a virgin in mid/late-20s is either waiting for marriage OR, like in Ashley's case, simply waiting for love and/or the right person. I do think that the majority of 33-year-old men in the US probably don't want to date a virgin, since sex is usually such an integral part of a relationship for most men. That said, I think that love can make people make sacrifices that they normally wouldn't. I'm pretty sure that Catherine was sexually active with the boyfriend she was dating right before the show, but she made the decision to abstain because Sean was worth it. I would hope that Chris would have done the same, if he and Becca had fallen in love with each other.

I agree! Majority of men DO NOT . I think he fell in love with Whitney early on anyhow! jmo

I think it also matters what people are looking for. If they're young and have no wish to marry for a few more years, then they probably aren't interested in going without sex all that time. However, if they're looking for their wife (as Chris supposedly was) and ready to marry ASAP, then it shouldn't be that big an issue to wait until marriage if the love is there. It just takes a different level of seriousness. I think Chris would've managed if Becca was all in and a wedding was on the horizon, but she just wasn't and couldn't even give him an approximate timeline, since she wasn't in love yet.

^^I agree Mindless. And about the lack of interest thing - Chris said in an itm that he found her to be a passionate person based on their make-out sessions, so knew all would be fine in that department.