Bachelor 19 - Kelsey Poe - Discussion

IDK I can see everyone's POV, but for me personally, if I'm talking about the tragic death of a close member, it has nothing to do with how I coped. It shouldn't be part of the same conversation other than, it was difficult but I somehow managed to carry on, or whatever. There's nothing wrong with staying in bed and crying, if one chooses to for a period of time. Saying that she was strong for not doing that, doesn't make sense to me. She had to have wanted to travel because if you're grieving and want to stay in bed, that's where you're going to stay.

After reading the sister's post now I see it as, he passed away suddenly, and I was amazing, I travelled the world and made new friends, so kiss me now. It's as if now she was able to do what she wanted to where as before while married she couldn't. IDK, sounds harsh but that's the impression the sister's post gives off.

This probably makes me sound REALLY cynical, but I think after Emily Maynard's huge popularity and success on the show, many women feel like they can be the next EM, if they just play up their tragedy. I felt like this when I heard Julia and Kelsey's stories. The stories didn't come up naturally, and instead, it just seemed like they were very aware of the viewers when telling them. I'm sure the producers are saying things like "Don't you feel like America will fall in love with you after hearing your story?", but ultimately it's their decision.

GuardianAngel wrote:IDK I can see everyone's POV, but for me personally, if I'm talking about the tragic death of a close member, it has nothing to do with how I coped. It shouldn't be part of the same conversation other than, it was difficult but I somehow managed to carry on, or whatever. There's nothing wrong with staying in bed and crying, if one chooses to for a period of time. Saying that she was strong for not doing that, doesn't make sense to me. She had to have wanted to travel because if you're grieving and want to stay in bed, that's where you're going to stay.

After reading the sister's post now I see it as, he passed away suddenly, and I was amazing, I travelled the world and made new friends, so kiss me now. It's as if now she was able to do what she wanted to where as before while married she couldn't. IDK, sounds harsh but that's the impression the sister's post gives off.

As to the bolded - that's an interesting thought. Her husband was 33 to her 19 when they met and 37 to her 23 when they married. While 14 years might not make a lot of difference as you get older, it's a considerable gap at that age. Maybe she felt the need to grow up quickly. I find her choice of clothes more suited to an older person - I'd wear most of her outfits and I'm in my 50s.

eirekay wrote: snipped

As to the bolded - that's an interesting thought.  Her husband was 33 to her 19 when they met and 37 to her 23 when they married.  While 14 years might not make a lot of difference as you get older, it's a considerable gap at that age.  Maybe she felt the need to grow up quickly.  I find her choice of clothes more suited to an older person - I'd wear most of her outfits and I'm in my 50s.

WOW! I didn't know that. Re the bold: Oh yes, I can understand that. Speaking from experience, and one of the reasons I don't drink any more.

First, I think it is horrible that Kelsey is receiving so much negativity on social media.

Second, TPTB totally through Kelsey under the bus.  I realize that she signed a contract saying that they could show her in an unflattering light, but what person would think that even they would stoop so low as to exploit the death of a spouse.  Unless you are a super fan (have watched season after season), it would be a reasonable assumption that nobody would take your sharing of the death of your spouse and humiliate you via it.

Third, Kelsey's whole demeanor seems off. I agree with the posters above who commented on how controlled and buttoned up she appears.  At first, I thought of this as her maturity or general personality, but now I think that there is a bit of "detachment" in the way she behaves.  I think that, in order not to break down emotionally with unresolved grief, she has adapted a very matter of fact way of conveying her backstory to others.  I think it is a kind of protective instinct.  If she can hold it together and speak about his death calmly and lay out the facts of his death without emotion, this boosts her sense of control and confidence. I suspect, like many of you, that she still has much healing to do.

Fourth, her use of "story" is an extention of what I said above. I think that by labeling the tragedy of her husband's death as a "story" or "her story" it gives the whole horrible event a tidy little name, a name other than "death", that she can use to refer to that time in her life.  I will share this: When I was in the 4th grade, my father (who owned and operated his own one-man store), was robbed and beaten with the butt of a rifle such that his skull was bashed in, one of his eyes popped out of its socket, one lung collapse, and he was left to die in a pool of his own blood. By the grace of God, a customer walked in and found him and called 911. He was rushed to the hospital and underwent about 12 hours of (neuro)surgery. My mother was told that he may live but be "a vegetable." (At the age of 10, the only definition I knew of "vegetable" was a carrot or a tomato. My older brothers had to explain to me what may lie ahead for our beloved dad.) My father, tough scrapper that his is, made a full and miraculous recovery. Within a month, with a head stitched up and mis-shapen like Frankstein's, he was back to working fulltime in his store. When asked how he could return, he replies: "I had a family to take care of. What other choice did I have?" For a time in the invetigation, my mother was actually considered Suspect #1 in his attempted murder case (just by virtue of the fact that the spouse is always a suspect, I suppose). Dr Henry Lee (now world famous forensic scientist) worked the case, but the case was never solved.  To this very day, whenever my mother talks about this event in our family's history, she refers to it as "your father's accident". It most certainly was not an accident. He was the victim of a brutal crime. But, I think in a way, that by her labeling it as an "accident" it removes (in her mind at least) some of the victimization and helplessness that she (and we) all felt during that horrible time.  Over the years, I even questioned my mother as to why she called it an accident when it wasn't an accident, and she didn't really have a particular reason that she could articulate. I think, in a way, it was also a way for her to move forward and not be so afraid that something like that could ever happen again (when it was definitely possible that my father could be robbed again at work). Our minds are interesting things, and sometimes it just takes a turn of a phrase to allow us to cope with what first appears to be un-copeable.

Her use of "my amazing" story. Yes, she was relaying the story of her husband's death, but in this instance she was trying to share something about who she is as a person. "My" story refers to how she became a widow and how she has been touched by love and loss. "Amazing" doesn't refer to an amazing death or an amazing loss. It is her way of saying that she is choosing to focus on the positive going forward. It did come across as a bit odd when they showed it on tv. Her slow, measured telling of her story seemed a bit off, but I think the delivery was colored by her big attempt to be a bit detached and not become emotional. Her ringing her own bell by calling herself "amazing" for being a survivor of her husband's passing might not have come across well in the diced and spliced episode and it might not be what the average person would choose to say about themselves as a survivor. I don't really have a problem with that, again, because I think that semantics can be very powerful to our own psyches. I'm a self-described "word person" and love to parse what was said and what it all means, but to me I think "amazing" is 90% about boosting up her own psyche and only about 10% about her ego/self-centerness. And compared to Ashley I's 99.9% self-centerness, this particular storyline with Kelsey just doesn't personally bother me too much at all. I was more disturbed by her behavior at the non-cocktail party when she spoke to the other women about being confident about a rose and the scenes of her on the floor (having a panic attack?). But, who knows, maybe all of those emotions that she had kept pushed down all neatly tied in a bow for 18 months suddenly came bubbling up to the surface and she was over-come. I guess I'll just have to wait til next episode and see how it all plays out with her.

Thanks for listening.

Mustang19 wrote:

chasingpavements wrote:I still think it's pretty awful to describe yourself as "amazing" when referring to how you bravely dealt with the grief. I don't think that she should be getting cyberbullies for it (no contestants do), but her sister didn't really change my opinion of her.

I can understand the sister's explanation that the show edited those scenes, but I absolutely cannot understand that the sister attributed the "amazing story" to her story of overcoming grief. I don't know ANYONE who has ever called moving on with life after their horrible loss (myself included) "amazing". Kelsey's statement was bad enough, but the sister's explanation is downright bizzare.

I agree, there are lots of terms that can describe getting over loss, amazing, just isn't one of them....back breaking, tough, mind boggling, enduring, and the list goes on and on, but amazing story....not one of them.

Thanks for all that Mia. You make some valid points. I guess my POV is, I would never boast how amazing I am getting through the loss of a loved one. SMH at the thought of it. Why is it necessary for one to do that. She's a councelor? Everything she mentions, she turns it around to make it all about her.

"Isn't it amazing?" said the school counselor, 28, with an apparently gleeful tone. "Tragic, but amazing. I love my story!"

"I know this is a show about Chris," she also said on camera. "But this is my love story, too. This is the unfolding of somebody who's been through something so tragic and you get to watch her pick up the pieces and grow into another person and into another relationship."

"Sander's death was absolutely devastating, but finding a way to live through it and my strength to survive is amazing."
People

IA the SM bullying is uncalled for. The sad truth is it happens every day and it's out of control in our society.

GuardianAngel wrote:Thanks for all that Mia. You make some valid points. I guess my POV is, I would never boast how amazing I am getting through the loss of a loved one. SMH at the thought of it. Why is it necessary for one to do that. She's a councelor? Everything she mentions, she turns it around to make it all about her.

"Isn't it amazing?" said the school counselor, 28, with an apparently gleeful tone. "Tragic, but amazing. I love my story!"

"I know this is a show about Chris," she also said on camera. "But this is my love story, too. This is the unfolding of somebody who's been through something so tragic and you get to watch her pick up the pieces and grow into another person and into another relationship."

"Sander's death was absolutely devastating, but finding a way to live through it and my strength to survive is amazing."
People

IA the SM bullying is uncalled for. The sad truth is it happens every day and it's out of control in our society.

This sounds like what someone would tell her to encourage her. Not for her to say about herself.

I am sad for Kelsey as I don't think she fully went through the grieving process with the sudden loss of her husband.  Rather she seemed to work hard to overcome the loss, rush through it and maybe even denied it.  She was not ready to be on this show, especially this type of show where your vulnerabilities and errors are exploited.   JMO.  

Mia, I agree. The social media negativity is horrible. How awful for your dad being attacked, but glad he is ok.

I guess thinking about this a little more, I can see using the word amazing in a different context. My son and his wife lost their daughter, my granddaughter. I am amazed that he and his wife were able to pull through the most awful loss a parent can suffer, and still function. They had to because they also had a son. After about five years had passed, they had two more children. I am amazed at their strength and committment to each other. I think it's amazing they survived in a "thank God" sort of way.. humbled, thankful, considering how devastating it was. But I would still never say "I love my story" like Kelsey did. I also thought it inappropriate to tell Chris the story and then go in for a kiss.

My opinion of Kelsey is that she's a self absorbed person, and I don't think I'd like her under any circumstance. I don't give people a pass for bad behaviour just because they've went through a loss. My husband died unexpectedly too... and I can't imagine for the life of me, ever acting or saying anything she had. She's not a nice person - period.

Eviebloom wrote:

GuardianAngel wrote:Thanks for all that Mia. You make some valid points. I guess my POV is, I would never boast how amazing I am getting through the loss of a loved one. SMH at the thought of it. Why is it necessary for one to do that. She's a councelor? Everything she mentions, she turns it around to make it all about her.

"Isn't it amazing?" said the school counselor, 28, with an apparently gleeful tone. "Tragic, but amazing. I love my story!"

"I know this is a show about Chris," she also said on camera. "But this is my love story, too. This is the unfolding of somebody who's been through something so tragic and you get to watch her pick up the pieces and grow into another person and into another relationship."

"Sander's death was absolutely devastating, but finding a way to live through it and my strength to survive is amazing."
People

IA the SM bullying is uncalled for. The sad truth is it happens every day and it's out of control in our society.

This sounds like what someone would tell her to encourage her.  Not for her to say about herself.  

Precisely! I think this is her "counselor-speak" to herself. I agree that she does come across as sounding aloof or arrogant when she refers to herself as amazing, because it is not socially acceptable for a person to toot their own horn like that. But, IMO, I don't think she is referring to herself (as a person) as being "amazing", but rather she is referring to her resilience as being "amazing".

I think that she must personally be very focused on the virtue of being emotionally strong and of being in control. Some people, still fall prey to the idea that you must always be strong and you must never indulge in self-pity (the true process of grieving) or ask anyone for help. They are the type of people to delve right back into life, sometimes before they are truly ready. (I hope no one is offended by the following statement).>>> Combine this tendency with the fact that she is a guidance counselor, and we get this weird combination: An emotionally controlled person who has been schooled in the touchy feely-pat yourself on the back- give yourself a gold star or a trophy-"I have an amazing story" persona. I think she has a need (on some level of her own psyche) to turn this tragedy into a something that she not only survived, but thrived after. I think that she believes that if she tells herself (and others) enough times that she has been "an amazing survivor" that she can be just that. But, IMO, the fact that see needs to pump herself up with the moniker of "amazing" (survivor) just proves to me that she's not quite there yet. Maybe it is a matter of professional pride...Doctor, heal thy self...how can a counselor be in need of counseling? So, to prove that she doesn't, she over-compensates by spinning it into her "amazing story".

There have been signs of someone who is a bit narcissistic. I will agree with that. I have seen some, and next week I'll probably see more. But, I choose to think that there is more than just some narcissism that makes Kelsey behave the way she does. Is it manipulation? IDK. They've certainly edited her in way that makes her look like she is trying to manipulate CS with her widow story just so that he will give her a rose. Or she fakes a panic attack just so she can get a rose. I'm just throwing out different theories. I really have absolutely no idea who Kelsey is or why she does what she does. All of this is simply my speculations.