The Bachelor 20 - Ben Higgins - F1 to F4 - *Sleuthing - Spoilers* - #3

Ben said at the WTA that ultimately how he decided who went home was comparing his relationships with the others. He liked and cared for Caila a lot, but it didn't compare to what he felt for Lauren and JoJo, so he had to let Caila go. Ben may have thought he was in love with JoJo, but at the end of the day, he knew what he had with Lauren was stronger and he couldn't let Lauren go. Had Lauren not been there, he wouldn't have been in a place to break up with JoJo. Heck, he probably wasn't in a place where he'd let Caila or maybe even Amanda go if those were relationships in isolation, but they weren't. At the end of the day, you can compartmentalize all you want, but you have to compare. I don't think Ben was as conflicted as TPTB are going to try to portray. He knew it was Lauren- him telling JoJo and trying to clue her in is his way of pulling back and attempting to "keep her in the loop" and not blindside her. I think most of his angst is realizing he needs to let JoJo go- even though had that relationship happened in isolation without Lauren, there would be no reason to break things off at that point in time.

The best thing that could ever happen to JoJo was Ben telling her he loved her. It sure spiked her story line in a HUGE way and ultimately led to the 'ette gig. She will thrive as The Bachelorette. As Ben's F1, she would have been bored and figured out they weren't well matched within a few months, I'm guessing. Without ILY-gate, IMO there wasn't much to differentiate F2 JoJo and the "safe" F3 pick Caila that TPTB typically tap for the next lead. She probably even realizes this. Ben telling her he loves her is the the best thing that could have happened for her.

sosleepy wrote:snip
At the end of the day, you can compartmentalize all you want, but you have to compare.
snip

IMO of course you do; when you get back into your room and no one is there to push you into doing things they want from you in the moment - that's what you do.

I once asked for some to share their experiences - if any - with being in love with two people at the same time - intending to share mine which up to now I haven't done. But in my life I have actually been in that situation - or at least as close to it as I was ever capable of. I felt many of the emotions that one might view as "love" or "in love" for two different people. But they were never equal - I always could and did differentiate. One relationship was "this is great and I love our time and this is someone I want to be with for now - but not forever" and the other one was "this could be forever if I thought she felt about me the way I feel about her but unless that day comes - this isn't forever either". Eventually I found a relationship where it all came together for me - "this is what I want forever and she does feel for me the same way I feel for her"; we've been married over 30 years.
JMHO

Lucas, congrats to you and the Mrs, thanks for sharing your personal story!

Sometimes it's not so much the being in love with 2 people as it is the not wanting to give up the adoration from 2 people.

I think Ben's voiceover during getting ready for the FRC tells us a lot of how he was feeling. He said he never broke up with someone he loved. He said it hurts him to hurt someone but he knew what he had to do. IMO, I could see Ben being more torn up inside having to break JoJo's heart after she gave it to him than actually not having her in his life long term.

I think Ben's conflict is not about who to choose. It was really just because he will have to hurt someone. As most people have said, Ben's kind of a people pleaser so he gets upset if he upsets someone.

hey guys
.. its my conspiracy theory, was holding back from episode 6,7.. because i was not sure about that.. until im realizing some thing fishy is going on from abc channel .. they are kept saying this stunning, unpredictable is coming up.. not showing  any video of lauren b..
because she is going to tell him about past = arrest order (afraid of her reputation ),
im stil in doubt but writing these words is  like im not telling some thing based on some evidence, is killing me =DDD

^
I doubt that will come up at all. It really isn't some huge thing, any hidden past or criminal record.

lauren gave assurance to him at whiskey library by giving hickey thats why she called him MY PERSON .. some of whiskey library footage and donuts footage never came up.. at caila's fd we saw some bruise.. GOD knows better

Fingersandtoes wrote:^
I doubt that will come up at all. It really isn't some huge thing, any hidden past or criminal record.

^^^

AFAIK she was arrested but I've never heard that she was charged with any crime, nor that she plead guilty to any charge or was convicted of any charge. IMO it's really much ado about nothing.
JMHO

SarahD wrote:I think Ben's conflict is not about who to choose. It was really just because he will have to hurt someone.  As most people have said, Ben's kind of a people pleaser so he gets upset if he upsets someone.

I don't think that having sympathy and / or empathy for how your decisions affect others necessarily makes you a people pleaser. I do think that the first person you have to make happy is yourself (at least in matters of love and romance). If you're not happy in a relationship there's no way you're going to make someone else in that relationship with you happy - at least not in the long run. If you're basically a giving person it can be hard to be that "selfish", but it's necessary. I wish that in my life I could have learned that lesson sooner than I did.

Once Ben was allowed to talk about how he feels about the ending of his season it seems pretty clear to me that he is over the moon happy, so he made the right decision because he now can make someone else happy as well. To get to that point forced him to make someone unhappy and I'm not in any way surprised that this was difficult for him - it should be difficult - if you have a heart.
JMHO