Fun Times with Bachelor 16

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The Bachelor Kicks Off Season 16 with the Semi-Annual Inaugural Ball of Awkward


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The Bachelor sells itself as romantic escapism, a fairytale romance unfolding before the viewer's eyes, but loyal fans (like myself) know the truth: The Bachelor is an emotional horse race, a grand anthropological experiment that sets up the same rigidly controlled environment with the same consistent factors (whirlwind group travel, helicopter dates, tea lights) season after season, with dramatically different results each time. The unique experience of watching two people meet and consider an intimate relationship provokes an initial judgement based on our own experiences, and each episode shocks or affirms us in how it fulfills our understanding of relationship dynamics. The Bachelor is both the most accurate illustration of the myriad intricacies and insecurities in contemporary dating and an elegant machine that effectively smashes the truisms and stereotypes on which our snap judgements are based. It's also the work of the most pitiless editors in the business, who miss no opportunity to skewer the ex prom queens and lovelorn hunks at their mercy.

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This season's Bachelor, Ben, inherited his role as the keyholder of the ABC harem from a long line of second-best Bachelor/ette contenders. With Darwinian certainty, this tradition of casting the Bachelor from the losers of the previous season has left us with increasingly uncharismatic and awkward protaganists. Ben F., with his painful asides and perennially adolescent attire, looks like he should be treating bystanders to an impromptu bongo solo in the middle of a college quad, not wooing a wife. His turn in 2011's The Bachelorette gained him widespread sympathy and a date with Jennifer Love Hewitt, and I suspect this season is less an honest search for a partner and more a final shake of ABC's free-sh*t tree.

Not only do I suspect Ben of being on the show for the wrong reasons, but it's harder than ever to look past the show's built-in gender inequity, and in no episode is this dynamic more uncomfortable to watch than the traditional "send-in-the-clowns" Inaugural Ball of Awkward, which quickly devolves into a de facto beauty contest. A tanned stream of women stride forward to throw their best line and taped cleavage at the eponymous Bachelor, made all the more indistinguishable this season because Ben F. apparently checked the "Keep 'Em White " box on his official Contender Criteria form.

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Ultimately, though, the smarm and my feminist alarm bells cannot snuff out the inherent joy of the series: the unique opportunity to have your best understanding of human nature put to the test. And the promise of a final episode that always, always skitters out past the typical reality show schadenfreude into a realm of intense honesty, disappointment, and joy, hovering over the sublime like Wile E. Coyote standing for a moment above the abyss after running off a cliff. To that end, I'm going to put my snap judgements out there, and ask that you do the same. Ben cast the future tabloid celebrities of 2012 last night; what do we think of them?

JENNIFER ANISTON LOOKALIKE #1


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A "relationship blogger" who locked herself in a bathroom and sobbed a string of neurotic self-deprecations on-mic after working herself into a fit over a fellow contestant. NO WAY this hot mess is getting past the next two episodes.


BEAUTIFUL BLONDE BULLY


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This one admitted with she didn't feel anything for Ben yet, a pretty sane declaration just 45 minutes after meeting a stranger. Then she told a fellow contestant she had met about 40 minutes previously that she knew they would "stay in each other's lives forever." Whether this betokens a future lesbian love triangle or too much Paris Amour remains to be seen.

DAYS OF OUR LIVES LEGEND HOPE WILLIAMS BRADY


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It's just nice to see Hope taking some time for herself, getting away from the Salem police department for a while and trying out some splashy new earrings.

GRAN'DODDER

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Smartly balancing a doddering grandmother with a Marilyn Monroe-style nude gown, her greatest challenge may be getting Ben to simultaneously make eye contact with both of her eyes at once.

RACHEL ROSE


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No pressure, but Rachel Rose gave up her job of five years in NYC to be here. HAHAHA NO PRESSURE!!!

THE SHOWGIRL

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She's just trying to put herself through law school, okay?





WORLD'S YOUNGEST DIVORCEE



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"I've been through some things, in relationships, et cetera." I like a woman who can throw a thick veil over her past.


JENNIFER ANISTON LOOKALIKE #2


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Despite riding in on a horse, she seems like the sanest one in the bunch.


THE MODEL


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She works hard, guys.

GANGSTA RAP MED STUDENT


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Another sad attempt by a contestant to launch a rap career on this show. She looks like she just left a foam party, yet also seems pretty smart.Keep her around, Benny!

MISS PACIFIC PALISADES

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Hey, if you're enough of a lady-Macgyver to style your hair under a public bathroom hand dryer, then you deserve a rose.

JAMIE

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Honestly seems like a sweetheart.

ELYSE

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Elyse looks like she headed up her girl's rugby team in high school and got called off the field a few times by the coach for "being too into it."

KICKBALL SHAWN

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I like a girl with the moxie to start a game on a slick, power-hosed cobblestone driveway.

JACLYN

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Every once in a while someone gets called out of the crowd at a rose ceremony and you're like, "You're on this show?" Jaclyn is this episode's version of that.

RUSSIAN MAIL ORDER BRIDE?

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This show-stopper didn't say much, and what she did say had a slight deaf accent. Mysterious!


SCARLETT O'HARA


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She is giving out the side-eye like candy with hair straight out of a Selznick picture. What's not to like!

DATA

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All we know for sure right now is that she knows how to dress red hair and can memorize numbers, so she's already ahead of the game.

Questions:

... What were your snap judgements of the contestants?

... Who do you think will make it to the final three?

... Is Ben just going through the motions, and if so, to what end?

Love_Me wrote:

San wrote:[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Did you make this San? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Yep, thanks! Lol Lindzi's head didn't do that great on there, but Courtney's seem to fit perfectly! LOL

San wrote:

Love_Me wrote:

San wrote:[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Did you make this San? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Yep, thanks! Lol Lindzi's head didn't do that great on there, but Courtney's seem to fit perfectly! LOL

It looks great! You are very talented.