Chris Soules & Whitney Bischoff - Bachelor 19 - Discussion - #2

Lucas15 wrote:^^^ Good post!

I think it's normally attributed to George Santayana who said "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."

IMO Chris learned a hard lesson in his failed 7 year previous relationship - that infatuation - no matter how strongly felt - did not end up with marriage. We know very little of the details but to me it sounds as though what Chris wanted and what his girlfriend wanted just didn't align - at least not at that time in their lives - and I think he learned from that and was determined not to repeat it.

The infatuation stage of any relationship is temporary - it typically lasts from one to six months but can be as little as a couple of days or as long as a couple of years - but it will burn out eventually. Infatuation causes sound judgement and common sense to take a time-out. And there is where I think Chris did something a bit differently and mature - he didn't let his hormones run away with his judgement and kept as much focus as he could on things that in his opinion would make a good match in a wife as opposed to a girlfriend (his sister didn't really need to remind Chris of that - her words were more for viewers than for Chris). IMO Chris tried to see if any of the choices he could have made aligned with the type of personality he wanted to be with and also if their goals in life could align with his. Some of the key eliminations (I think of Britt and Jade in particular) failed one test - to Chris they seemed to him to be hiding who they really were and only letting him see a side they wanted seen. That would be a big red flag IMO - how can you determine if someone matches what you want if they are hiding who they really are? IMO what happened from Bali onward was more than a little bit out of his control because the show wanted Kaitlin as the next lead and they also wanted an F2 and a normal (for TB as opposed to a T'bette) ending.

I think this couple is entering the second stage of a relationship where they have to adjust to reality, deal with conflicts and find their individuality and independence in an intimate and interdependent relationship. Some evidence of this (to me) is Whitney's job change from what she did to something she can still do but from a remote location (which allows her to be with Chris) and Chris' acceptance that he can actually live in two different places - which allows the couple to better meet Whitney's needs as an individual while still meeting their needs as a couple. These two decisions - one by Whitney and one by Chris - are an interesting insight into how they are making that critical adaptation.

We can't completely know how this is going but IMO it's probably being accelerated / forced on both of them because of DWTS. That's a mixed blessing - it puts certain obstacles in their way but it also presents opportunities to both of them to figure out how to deal with them as a couple. So far I can't fault anything that Whitney has done during this experience and I don't think her selflessness in supporting Chris has gone unnoticed by Chris - at least based on his latest tweet:

Chris Soules wrote:.@whitbisch I'm the luckiest guy in the world w/you by my side. I love you. Sorry you've got a fiancé w/a busted leg!

That's a little out of character for Chris because we haven't seen too many instances where he has made his feelings public on SM - perhaps he's just learning how to do that or perhaps he's feeling things more deeply. Either way - it's interesting to me. As always, this is just IMO and TWT.

emusha wrote:

chasingpavements wrote:

Lucas15 wrote:

chasingpavements wrote:I've always felt that Chris really respects and admires Whitney (when asked by the paparazzi why he picked Whitney: "she has her poop together and you can't say that about a lot of people"), and he felt like she was the right type of woman to pick because she wanted all the things that he did and she wouldn't hurt him like his ex-fiance did. But, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if you share the same values if that true love isn't there. I honestly do think that they are both really genuine, good people so I hope that it does work out for them, but I just don't think it will.

When you first start dating someone or fall for someone at first sight, what you experience isn’t love; as much as you feel like you’re head over heels in love, you really aren’t - you’re just experiencing the first stage of love, a small part in the stages of love known as the infatuation stage. No matter how strong that infatuation might feel, if you don't want the same things out of life and you aren't ready or willing to make a commitment that the relationship will last then it's not going to last. That's why so many showmances don't last - they are only based on infatuation.

The things you describe about Whitney wanting the same things that Chris wanted and wouldn't hurt him like his ex-fiancee did speak to commitment and are the beginnings of true love as opposed to infatuation.

Agree to disagree! Look, I'm Indian and come from a culture of arranged marriage where most people would agree with you. I think that sharing values is very important, but there are probably a million women in the world that share Chris's values. The one you choose to spend your life with should be the person who you truly look forward to coming home to at the end of a hard day. Someone who you can always laugh with and someone who you adore no matter what else is going on in your life. Someone who is truly your best friend.

A good example of this is Emily's current husband and Sean Lowe. On paper, VERY similar guys down to their faith, core values, family ties, and a althletic background. Yet, Emily never had that comfort level or chemistry with Sean. She wanted to pick him because he was perfect for her and Ricky, but without that "best friend" potential, it would never have worked out. I think the same will happen with Chris/Whitney, but who knows?

these are good points -- whether they end up with that intangible/chemistry or not -- I don't feel like we know yet...currently, we have very little to work with. I do think both of them have to feel like themselves in the relationship at some point or else it would be a lot of work especially if their natural inclinations don't mesh well together. Most of all the key component is if the two people are able to truly connect.
Ashley and JP are a good example to look at here -- there was something ying and yang about their personalities that made them work. JP calmed her, made her feel safe and she sped them up, added excitement and fire to their relationship.

Regarding the infatuation bit -- I would say that Sean is a good example to look at. Sean picked Catharine with whom it was a very slooow burn and it surprised both of them. I do honestly think their match was one based on "chemistry" more so than infatuation cos sean had a lot of passion with F2 as well.
So the question is are whitney and CS compatible beyond the paper check-list? Are they meshing well based on their personalities and strengths and weaknesses? Do they enjoy the sides of each other that are different or do they find it difficult to relate to, connect with or feel strengthened by? Do neither of them feel like they're diminishing their natural personalities to be with the other person or do they feel like they are giving up too much of who they are to be in the relationship? Do they each bring out the best in each other in the small daily little ways? It won't be enough for them to make sense in the big picture if they don't make sense in the smallest of ways IMO

Last bit - andi and josh had the infatuation bit down - and the fire but they were not compatible when it comes to their personalities. they might have been too alike in some ways and too different in important ways (as josh said) to make things work... CS and Whitney seem to want the same things but we'll see whether they mesh or not in the coming months.

ETA: ITA relaxing!
And Lucas good post -- hopefully things will continue to move in the positive direction for them and they find happiness -- CS seems really lonely in Arlington -- and Whitney seems to reallyy want the relationship and a family -- sometimes these shows are experiments and only the individual couple will figure if they'll work depending on their needs and values

bleuberry wrote:Yup, not a good look and still think DWTS was a bad idea. Hopefully just another 2 more weeks. Wonder what Whit was thinking here: